ًWhite moments within / دثرتني بوشاحها الآحمر

A year back from now I posted a poem which is still dear to my heart, and a few days back I was very honoured to have one of my colleagues collaborate with me in a poetic dialogue in English and Arabic. Thank you! 

,You left

,Not willingly

.But still gone

***

مؤلمٌ هو الرحيل ..

لم أكن أريده 

كنت أتحاشى التفكير فيه 

و فيك ...

عندما ترحل ...

ماذا سيحل بي 

من بعدك ...

هل سأقوى ... 

على العيش !!

***

,Forced to shut down this love

,My heart shattered to pieces

,Bled in the process

.And now it only hopes

***

أُرغمت أنت عليه ...

و أُرغمت أنا به 

فرحلت ... غير آبه أو غير مخير 

فالرحيل ... لا يزال رحيل 

و لازلت أتالم ..

و الألم أَلم بي ...

أين أنت ؟ 

***

.Memories withheld

,Everything else turned to dust

,Except for these memories

***

أخرست الحب ...

أيتمت العشق ...

أدميت القلب ...

ناثرت قطعًا من قلب 

لم يكن سوى ليحبَك و يحبَك و يحبَك ...

و ها أنا 

مكسور الجناح ... متشبثٌ بحلم 

لعل و عسى ....

أملك أمل 

نعم رغم هذا أمل 

بأنه في يوم ....

لا أملك شيئًا 

قاحلٌ أنا ...

بك

أجدبٌ أنا ...

بك 

غبار و رماد...

لم يبقى لي منك شي ...

سوى فتات ذكريات ... ينهشها الزمن 

خائف ... من طي النسيان 

***

,My eyes don’t shed tears anymore

,Yet my heart mourns

Everyday, every night

***

هل تعلم ... 

بسببك ..

إستسلمت عيني ..

لا تقوى على النحيب ...

مره أخرى ...

إستنزفتَ دموعي 

ولكن 

يوجد أمل 

قلبي 

لم يقوى على 

الإستلام 

لا يزال أملاً ...

بكـ 

و بعودتكـ 

لي

***

'I now loath that so called color ‘Red

'Our moments were ‘White

,But the memories that still remain

.Are soon turning red

***

حزين ...

أظلمت الدُنيا من حولي 

تغيرت ...

لم أعد أرى الدُنيا كما كنت 

لا لذة فيها ... بسببك

أو لون 

مكتسية بسواد .... بوشاحٍ أحمر 

تنقض على ما بقي ... من ذكريات 

لتكسيه بالأسود .... بوشاحها الأحمر

***

,You and I were one

.Now it’s done

***

كشخصٍ واحد 

ككيان واحد 

كقطعة واحدة

***

,Fate they say

.Selfishness of society, I think

***

مزقتها أنياب المجتمع 

أدمها مخالب الظروف

تنافسوا 

من يسبب الضرر 

أكثر ...

بي أنا 

أو ربما بك    

***

,Give me back my white moments

.And I’ll bring back my wishful heart

***

كم أنت أناني .. يا مجتمع .. يا زمن .....

يا أنت ..

***

,Without you

,I’m a mix of opened veins

.And a burning desire to return to white

***

تغيرت ... 

أصبحت مختلف ..

هلا أبتعدتي عني ؟

بسوادك 

بوشاحك الأحمر ...

أتركي لي قليلًا منه 

من الذكريات 

لأنحب عليها ...

ستبقين سعيدة .... و .. أنا حزين 

وحيد!! 

لكن سيبقى بها لي أمل .. و ألم ... و أمل

سأكون أملاً ... ذا قلب .. رربما كُسر و لكن قلب 

...

أمل 

***

But everything is red

***

أرى الأحمر 

هنا و هناك 

فيي و فيك 

في ماضي و حاضري ...

و المستقبل 

بدونك 

أيضًا ...

أحن 

أحمر 

كان أبيض 

كان 

مشع 

كان 

لكم ...

ولكن 

إكتسحت بسواد ...

مرغم 

دثرتني 

بوشحها الأحمر 

الأحمر 

الأحمر

 Shaima Al Jasmi

محمد الجلاف 

A sad matter..

I’ve reached to that same point of my life where everything is falling apart again. I try to rise from one issue just to see myself falling into another.  

Twists and turns...

Breakdowns...

Disappointments...

I’ve taught myself not to care anymore; I’ve been trying to hold back my tears. Been trying to hide away my heartaches.

They say talk about it, they say let it out, and sometimes I do, but it doesn’t do me any good. 

Why break another person’s heart? 

Why cause pain to another soul, a soul who is left with their own problems and heartaches.

I’m crying, but only from the inside. I can feel my heart tearing apart. I can see my life breaking down into pieces right before my eyes. Because just when I see myself rise and feel contempt, I fall back down. 

This isn’t an act of depression, this isn’t me being ungrateful, this is me being fed up from falling.

On one hand, its when someone doesn’t see potential in you, and not just anyone, but its those closest to you. How am I expected to do that for my own self? I’d lose interest in doing anything after it!

On the other hand it's when I let what society thinks of me affect me; affect my mindset and my well-being.  When people talk, never mind it being completely wrong, but when they talk they show you no mercy, they do it just for the sake of talking and starting a conversation, like peoples’ life is a subject to talk about, like that person you just talked about would affect your life in any aspect. 

For crying out loud would you stop it already!

And then it’s that moment when you finally let your guard down and let someone in. You feel comfortable at first, you think that maybe earth isn’t a bad place to live on after all, and you give it time just to see that you were completely wrong … No one is worth it.  

I now came to realize that keeping a distance between people is much better. Don’t tell them your dreams, don’t share with them your special moments, simply don’t let anyone in. Its too hard to stomach once it comes crashing down.

To those of you who are reading this right now, you’d probably feel sorry for me, but believe me dear soul, I once had faith in humanity, I believed, I saw the good in people and sometimes still do, but I’ve reached my limit. I can’t bear what’s going on in this world any longer.

People are being taken for granted, like not a single soul matters but yourself. They have lost the meanings to family, friendships, love, trust, and respect! Nothing is worth fighting for anymore!

If you messed up, you’re out; a single mistake erases all the good that you’ve done.  Maybe what I’m going through isn’t as bad as what you went through, but it’s still something, isn’t it?

Why is it that every time I come to talk about how down I’m feeling you start by comparing your problems to mine?

You start by saying that I’m too young to feel this way?

Was it ever stated that there’s an age limit to feeling sad, to feeling worthless, or to maybe entering the stage of depression?

Where are you now when I need you the most?

When will you support me?

Remember that time when you needed me and I stood by you? 

Remember when you felt your heartache? 

But when I’m feeling down you’re nowhere to be found...

Owh!

It really is sad now that I’ve come to think about it, how words are the closest thing to comforting me…

Ramblings of a bruised heart!

Missing a soul has always hurt, right in the core.

It hurt even more when you're misinterpreted, misunderstood, and misjudged.

You stay up night and day wondering what caused you this misfortune? Why would someone you cherished so much and loved so deeply hurt you like this? 

We call it love, we call it friendship, we call them feelings.

You give and give and exceed your limit of giving, yet you try again, every single time, to take out more of you and give it to them.

At first they appreciate it, they cherish you, they love you. But then it becomes a habit to them. They take you for granted. They think you'll always be there for them, always handle and listen to them.

The amount of things humans do for eachother are always ALWAYS never enough. 

Every time you lose a piece of you, for them.

How is this love?

Is this the love that everyone talks about?

Adnan and Lina? "Friends"

Romeo and Juliet? "Lovers" 

Poets and writers of the world, is that what you mean of love?

If it is, then I don't want it anymore.

I don't want something or someone to humiliate me, to take me down, to drown me.

I don't want a hurtful love. I want the cherished love, the love love if in somehow this makes sense.

I'm my father's daughter, and he didn't raise a girl so she could be taken down by another person.

Kindness is misunderstood, yet somehow become overrated, in a sense where everyone thinks they're nice and kind if they talk politely, dress nicely yet never really work on their actions but just base them on words.

A heart is a powerful organ in the body, but when hurt, or stabbed, it could kill, and if not literally then it could take away all feelings that are left in you and turn them into ashes and then suddenly you realise they're, Puff....

It doesn't necessarily have to be about couples or lovers as it also happens between "friends".

After all that is said, I believe in what God has to offer me, and I live my days everyday believing in them and in him. With his mighty I am stronger. I have a heart that will never stop loving, but if hurt, it will instantly lose trust. 

To all those who were hurt, to all those who did the hurting but never intended doing it, you'll always be loved, because a heart can never really hate those they once loved. But as said "once", this love can never be returned.

I am and forever will be my father's daughter, for I learnt my strength from him, I learnt loving deeply and caring widely. Yet I also learnt that we live in a virtual world, where not all humans are, humans.

A rough fall!

A semester ago, fall 2013 to be precise; things have changed for me. I've gone through some rough times and had to make some of the hardest decisions in my life.
Changed majors, letting go of the most important person in my life and truly knew where I stood among people, and that's to somehow summarize what went on.

While in the phase of changing majors, my life could've been described as hell, disapproving parents who were astonished by my sudden decision (which wasn't really sudden since I was thinking about it for a while back), screwed up grades, and that pretty much lead to a crushed soul. Going through this so called "crisis" put me down, destroyed every bit of hope I had for reorganizing my life. Seeing the wondering eyes of my father and sensing the taste of feeling unaccepted and disappointed hurt me like nothing ever did. It felt like my heart and lungs were collapsing, like there was no air around me anymore. Like my veins were twirling and twisting.

And with that going in, other things were also consuming my thoughts and feelings. For instance knowing that once I do change majors nothing would ever be the same.
New courses, new comfort zone, new friends...
Everything was bearable except the idea of having new friends. However, making friends is what I'm good at doing, but keeping them, not so much.
I'm known to have a lot of people around me all at once, yet when needed I wouldn't think of 1 to go too.
This might hurt some of them, but it's the absolute truth. I've come to finally realize that I keep a huge barrier between me and the people I meet, and that affects me more than it does them. Maybe I don't feel safe, maybe I don't want them worrying about me. Friends have always been an important factor in my life, they grant me stability, but when losing them it takes me off balance.
I won't deny having a few of them standing by my side after what I've been through and I'm so very grateful, yet I can't see me being "myself" around anyone.

The second half of 2013 have had the best of me. In this post I'm revealing some of who I am, a piece of me is willingly exposed to the world to see.
Sometimes I'd think back and see that I've made the right decisions, and have the right friends.
Yet everyday I don't feel like everything's in place.
I know that some of what had been crushed is permanently lost and couldn't be returned.

For the love of vengeance

This is a never ending "situation"
I'll always live in this despair
In the middle of hatred.

Rivalry between us two
Over nothing!
But I've loved and lived for you.

Yet you don't contain such love in your heart,
You feel pain and sorrow
And try to inflict it into others.

All you want is vengeance
All you desire is this prejudice growing amongst us.

No one knows the truth about my frozen heart
No one could ever know
But you feel it like I do.

This world is unbearable,
Uncontrollable,

Unworthy of living in.

All my life
19 years per say,
This has been my way of living.

Through excruciating pain,
And wrath,
I bleed.

My heart now contains a shield,
No one shall enter
Not a Friend, not a lover,
Not family.

Maybe there isn't any closure
Maybe it's just the way it is.

Maybe I'll remain living under your so called mercy,
Until I grow old and die.

Maybe you'll keep me from dying,
Because you think I belong to you.

But you're wrong.

I'll have my closure.
I'll live the life that's been written for me.
Maybe not now, but soon.

God is my salvation.

Contradiction

I'm broken,
Irreparable, for there's nothing to do.

Why am I living in such a world?
A world full of miseries and distress.

All along have I've tricked myself,
Not knowing what a delusional place this is.

I don't ask for much,
Only a shoulder to lean on.

I don't crave a fancy life,
Only a friend to bare.

Do I deserve this?
Am I always going to stay broken?

Will this agony follow me wherever I go?
Till the day I die perhaps...

"You're not alone", they say
"We'll stick by your side when no one else does"

Speaking out of love
Yet no actions are made.

But here I am,
Putting on my best smile.

Showing the better side of me,
The intoxicated and content friend.

Back to reality.

Yearning salvation

I don't question your actions towards me anymore. I still don't understand them, but I'm accepting them, in the most difficult way there is.      

I won't back down for what I have to say, my mind is free and so am I.    

You insult me, directly and indirectly. You kick me in the guts, hard, but with your words.
You say you love me, but I concluded that through your actions, you don't.

If you're mad, you throw it on me, all your rage, spilled right at me.
You always take my words in the most inaccurate meaning there is.

My only question to you is "Why?"
Why are you doing this to me?
Why are you shredding my heart into pieces?
Am I not enough, as I am?
For everything I say or comment on, you twist it so it can lay in the other direction, the wrong direction.

My tears fill the pages I'm writing on. My coffee starting to get cold, and so is my heart.
You break me to pieces.

Laying down now, all I can think about is your words. Your venomous words.
"You'll never be good enough for anyone"
"All your friends and family will walk away from you if you continue having this ugly personality of yours"
"Why is your heart so filled with hatred and rage?"
And this only shreds my overwhelmed heart to smaller bits.

I've changed a lot, don't know though if I'm a better or a worst person than I've been before.

But my heart isn't the same anymore?

Though I crave your love so hard, I stopped feeling. I can't feel that tingle of joy when something exciting happens, or the shiver of sadness when grief strikes.
I'm a person woth perhaps no true emotions.

Call me a stack of waste.
Hopeless and un fixable.