Ramblings of a bruised heart!

Missing a soul has always hurt, right in the core.

It hurt even more when you're misinterpreted, misunderstood, and misjudged.

You stay up night and day wondering what caused you this misfortune? Why would someone you cherished so much and loved so deeply hurt you like this? 

We call it love, we call it friendship, we call them feelings.

You give and give and exceed your limit of giving, yet you try again, every single time, to take out more of you and give it to them.

At first they appreciate it, they cherish you, they love you. But then it becomes a habit to them. They take you for granted. They think you'll always be there for them, always handle and listen to them.

The amount of things humans do for eachother are always ALWAYS never enough. 

Every time you lose a piece of you, for them.

How is this love?

Is this the love that everyone talks about?

Adnan and Lina? "Friends"

Romeo and Juliet? "Lovers" 

Poets and writers of the world, is that what you mean of love?

If it is, then I don't want it anymore.

I don't want something or someone to humiliate me, to take me down, to drown me.

I don't want a hurtful love. I want the cherished love, the love love if in somehow this makes sense.

I'm my father's daughter, and he didn't raise a girl so she could be taken down by another person.

Kindness is misunderstood, yet somehow become overrated, in a sense where everyone thinks they're nice and kind if they talk politely, dress nicely yet never really work on their actions but just base them on words.

A heart is a powerful organ in the body, but when hurt, or stabbed, it could kill, and if not literally then it could take away all feelings that are left in you and turn them into ashes and then suddenly you realise they're, Puff....

It doesn't necessarily have to be about couples or lovers as it also happens between "friends".

After all that is said, I believe in what God has to offer me, and I live my days everyday believing in them and in him. With his mighty I am stronger. I have a heart that will never stop loving, but if hurt, it will instantly lose trust. 

To all those who were hurt, to all those who did the hurting but never intended doing it, you'll always be loved, because a heart can never really hate those they once loved. But as said "once", this love can never be returned.

I am and forever will be my father's daughter, for I learnt my strength from him, I learnt loving deeply and caring widely. Yet I also learnt that we live in a virtual world, where not all humans are, humans.

A rough fall!

A semester ago, fall 2013 to be precise; things have changed for me. I've gone through some rough times and had to make some of the hardest decisions in my life.
Changed majors, letting go of the most important person in my life and truly knew where I stood among people, and that's to somehow summarize what went on.

While in the phase of changing majors, my life could've been described as hell, disapproving parents who were astonished by my sudden decision (which wasn't really sudden since I was thinking about it for a while back), screwed up grades, and that pretty much lead to a crushed soul. Going through this so called "crisis" put me down, destroyed every bit of hope I had for reorganizing my life. Seeing the wondering eyes of my father and sensing the taste of feeling unaccepted and disappointed hurt me like nothing ever did. It felt like my heart and lungs were collapsing, like there was no air around me anymore. Like my veins were twirling and twisting.

And with that going in, other things were also consuming my thoughts and feelings. For instance knowing that once I do change majors nothing would ever be the same.
New courses, new comfort zone, new friends...
Everything was bearable except the idea of having new friends. However, making friends is what I'm good at doing, but keeping them, not so much.
I'm known to have a lot of people around me all at once, yet when needed I wouldn't think of 1 to go too.
This might hurt some of them, but it's the absolute truth. I've come to finally realize that I keep a huge barrier between me and the people I meet, and that affects me more than it does them. Maybe I don't feel safe, maybe I don't want them worrying about me. Friends have always been an important factor in my life, they grant me stability, but when losing them it takes me off balance.
I won't deny having a few of them standing by my side after what I've been through and I'm so very grateful, yet I can't see me being "myself" around anyone.

The second half of 2013 have had the best of me. In this post I'm revealing some of who I am, a piece of me is willingly exposed to the world to see.
Sometimes I'd think back and see that I've made the right decisions, and have the right friends.
Yet everyday I don't feel like everything's in place.
I know that some of what had been crushed is permanently lost and couldn't be returned.

For the love of vengeance

This is a never ending "situation"
I'll always live in this despair
In the middle of hatred.

Rivalry between us two
Over nothing!
But I've loved and lived for you.

Yet you don't contain such love in your heart,
You feel pain and sorrow
And try to inflict it into others.

All you want is vengeance
All you desire is this prejudice growing amongst us.

No one knows the truth about my frozen heart
No one could ever know
But you feel it like I do.

This world is unbearable,
Uncontrollable,

Unworthy of living in.

All my life
19 years per say,
This has been my way of living.

Through excruciating pain,
And wrath,
I bleed.

My heart now contains a shield,
No one shall enter
Not a Friend, not a lover,
Not family.

Maybe there isn't any closure
Maybe it's just the way it is.

Maybe I'll remain living under your so called mercy,
Until I grow old and die.

Maybe you'll keep me from dying,
Because you think I belong to you.

But you're wrong.

I'll have my closure.
I'll live the life that's been written for me.
Maybe not now, but soon.

God is my salvation.

Contradiction

I'm broken,
Irreparable, for there's nothing to do.

Why am I living in such a world?
A world full of miseries and distress.

All along have I've tricked myself,
Not knowing what a delusional place this is.

I don't ask for much,
Only a shoulder to lean on.

I don't crave a fancy life,
Only a friend to bare.

Do I deserve this?
Am I always going to stay broken?

Will this agony follow me wherever I go?
Till the day I die perhaps...

"You're not alone", they say
"We'll stick by your side when no one else does"

Speaking out of love
Yet no actions are made.

But here I am,
Putting on my best smile.

Showing the better side of me,
The intoxicated and content friend.

Back to reality.

Yearning salvation

I don't question your actions towards me anymore. I still don't understand them, but I'm accepting them, in the most difficult way there is.      

I won't back down for what I have to say, my mind is free and so am I.    

You insult me, directly and indirectly. You kick me in the guts, hard, but with your words.
You say you love me, but I concluded that through your actions, you don't.

If you're mad, you throw it on me, all your rage, spilled right at me.
You always take my words in the most inaccurate meaning there is.

My only question to you is "Why?"
Why are you doing this to me?
Why are you shredding my heart into pieces?
Am I not enough, as I am?
For everything I say or comment on, you twist it so it can lay in the other direction, the wrong direction.

My tears fill the pages I'm writing on. My coffee starting to get cold, and so is my heart.
You break me to pieces.

Laying down now, all I can think about is your words. Your venomous words.
"You'll never be good enough for anyone"
"All your friends and family will walk away from you if you continue having this ugly personality of yours"
"Why is your heart so filled with hatred and rage?"
And this only shreds my overwhelmed heart to smaller bits.

I've changed a lot, don't know though if I'm a better or a worst person than I've been before.

But my heart isn't the same anymore?

Though I crave your love so hard, I stopped feeling. I can't feel that tingle of joy when something exciting happens, or the shiver of sadness when grief strikes.
I'm a person woth perhaps no true emotions.

Call me a stack of waste.
Hopeless and un fixable.

If my mother said it, I believe it

If my mother said it, I believe it.
A sentence from Mitch Alboms book,
A sentence that captured my heart.

Mom...
Where should I start from...

How ashamed I feel,
For not letting you know everyday how much I love you.

How ashamed I feel,
For this breath that I'm taking now, thank you.

How ungrateful have I been...
Loving your mother isn't only about respecting them and doing as they wish,
It's loving them, unconditionally, and showing it.

For all the little things they have done,
To satisfy our desires and wishes.

Mom, I'm sorry...
I'm sorry for not sitting with you every night,
Having endless conversations.
I'm sorry for not pouring my heart out to you,
And instead turning to others for guidance.

What you have done for us is beyond what any person would do.
You're a mother..

We could meet and befriend lots of people on this world
But mark my words..
Never will you find a heart as pure as hers.

She will love her children,
She will protect them,
And go beyond to provide them with what's best

Love her, with everything you can..
With every breath that you take..
Every second of every day,
Believe in what she's doing..
Show her affection..

Take care of her,
Hold her,
Kiss her,
Love her.

White moments within

You left,

Not willingly,

But still gone.

***

Forced to shut down this love,

My heart shattered to pieces,

Bled in the process,

And now it only hopes.

***

Memories withheld.

Everything else turned to dust,

Except for these memories.

***

My eyes don’t shed tears anymore,

Yet my heart mourns,

Everyday, every night.

***

I now loath that so called color ‘Red’

Our moments were ‘White’

But the memories that still remain,

Are soon turning red.

***

You and I were one,

Now it’s done.

***

Fate they say,

Selfishness of society, I think.

***

Give me back my white moments,

And I’ll bring back my wishful heart.

***

Without you,

I’m a mix of opened veins,

And a burning desire to return to white.

***

But everything is red.

***

A piece of her, everyday.

There was noise everywhere, and all she wanted was a quiet place to sit and think, alone. She grabbed her brand new colorful notebook; that reflects her “outer” personality and appearance but rarely her true feelings, ran downstairs, put her shoes on and went outside. It’s ironic how the first place she thought of was out there, out there where everything seemed strange to her, where she faked most of her smiles and cheerfulness, where it simply wasn’t safe. But none of this seemed to matter, as she put her red jacket on and headed outside.

A place on the staircase seemed perfect, and luckily her old man kept the lights on. She sat down, crossed her legs, opened her notebook and began writing, “Why is this place unfair? Why is it that every time I try to get up on my feet, I stumble and fall back down? No one can help me, for I am helpless myself. This failure is tearing me to pieces, to an extent where I once had impure thoughts of hurting myself! With God’s will I got over that phase, by realizing how wrong this is and turned my heart to Allah.

But in a way I’m still hurting, something’s missing in my life, something is not right and I’ve got no one to turn too. Funny thing is everyone’s around, from my parents, to my siblings and friends, but I just can’t bring myself to talk to them! I just can’t. I can’t talk to anyone, because I don’t know if anyone would understand what I’m going through. What if they thought wrong of me? What if they got sick of what I keep on saying each and every time? Well, I guess that’s how life works, peoples’ intentions are good, but no one can help you but yourself.”

She pulled her left sleeve up and looked at the time, 10:26 pm, wondering how time goes by so slow during winter nights. Before closing her book and getting up, she had one last look at the half-moon that was right across of her and wrote back in her book, " الحمدلله في فرح, و في حزن. الحمدلله على كل شيء"  then continued her way back in.