A semester ago, fall 2013 to be precise; things have changed for me. I've gone through some rough times and had to make some of the hardest decisions in my life.
Changed majors, letting go of the most important person in my life and truly knew where I stood among people, and that's to somehow summarize what went on.
While in the phase of changing majors, my life could've been described as hell, disapproving parents who were astonished by my sudden decision (which wasn't really sudden since I was thinking about it for a while back), screwed up grades, and that pretty much lead to a crushed soul. Going through this so called "crisis" put me down, destroyed every bit of hope I had for reorganizing my life. Seeing the wondering eyes of my father and sensing the taste of feeling unaccepted and disappointed hurt me like nothing ever did. It felt like my heart and lungs were collapsing, like there was no air around me anymore. Like my veins were twirling and twisting.
And with that going in, other things were also consuming my thoughts and feelings. For instance knowing that once I do change majors nothing would ever be the same.
New courses, new comfort zone, new friends...
Everything was bearable except the idea of having new friends. However, making friends is what I'm good at doing, but keeping them, not so much.
I'm known to have a lot of people around me all at once, yet when needed I wouldn't think of 1 to go too.
This might hurt some of them, but it's the absolute truth. I've come to finally realize that I keep a huge barrier between me and the people I meet, and that affects me more than it does them. Maybe I don't feel safe, maybe I don't want them worrying about me. Friends have always been an important factor in my life, they grant me stability, but when losing them it takes me off balance.
I won't deny having a few of them standing by my side after what I've been through and I'm so very grateful, yet I can't see me being "myself" around anyone.
The second half of 2013 have had the best of me. In this post I'm revealing some of who I am, a piece of me is willingly exposed to the world to see.
Sometimes I'd think back and see that I've made the right decisions, and have the right friends.
Yet everyday I don't feel like everything's in place.
I know that some of what had been crushed is permanently lost and couldn't be returned.
Changed majors, letting go of the most important person in my life and truly knew where I stood among people, and that's to somehow summarize what went on.
While in the phase of changing majors, my life could've been described as hell, disapproving parents who were astonished by my sudden decision (which wasn't really sudden since I was thinking about it for a while back), screwed up grades, and that pretty much lead to a crushed soul. Going through this so called "crisis" put me down, destroyed every bit of hope I had for reorganizing my life. Seeing the wondering eyes of my father and sensing the taste of feeling unaccepted and disappointed hurt me like nothing ever did. It felt like my heart and lungs were collapsing, like there was no air around me anymore. Like my veins were twirling and twisting.
And with that going in, other things were also consuming my thoughts and feelings. For instance knowing that once I do change majors nothing would ever be the same.
New courses, new comfort zone, new friends...
Everything was bearable except the idea of having new friends. However, making friends is what I'm good at doing, but keeping them, not so much.
I'm known to have a lot of people around me all at once, yet when needed I wouldn't think of 1 to go too.
This might hurt some of them, but it's the absolute truth. I've come to finally realize that I keep a huge barrier between me and the people I meet, and that affects me more than it does them. Maybe I don't feel safe, maybe I don't want them worrying about me. Friends have always been an important factor in my life, they grant me stability, but when losing them it takes me off balance.
I won't deny having a few of them standing by my side after what I've been through and I'm so very grateful, yet I can't see me being "myself" around anyone.
The second half of 2013 have had the best of me. In this post I'm revealing some of who I am, a piece of me is willingly exposed to the world to see.
Sometimes I'd think back and see that I've made the right decisions, and have the right friends.
Yet everyday I don't feel like everything's in place.
I know that some of what had been crushed is permanently lost and couldn't be returned.
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